Sometimes, i sit down and i think. I think about the past, how simple it was when you know you have just that person and need nothing else, and how sometimes you get greedy and you want more, to realise that by doing that, you lose the only thing that really belonged to you. And many times, i think about the many friends i lost; the ones who i fell out with, the ones that grew apart because we had boyfriends, the ones that changed. And then i think about the ones i have now and i wonder why we dont have as much things to talk about. Have our interest changed? Or do our habits irritate each other. How come our endless topics of conversations have evolved to speaking about what happened that day and nothing else. How did we become people who we know so well and yet the same ones we know nothing of?

I think about the times i used to to have a boyfriend after another, and how i wondered how some girls could stay single for long. Now i wonder why people have boyfriend, love novels don't provide any reasons, seeing my best friends fret over guys make me lose any illusions and knowing that ive been madly in love before doesnt help either. Perhaps thats the best thing that could happen right now. Having a boyfriend would very possibly tear me apart. How would i be able to juggle studies, friends and boyfriends when right now, i cant even cope with friends because i go home straight after school everyday and dont ever hang out anymore? Plus, with the expectations grown sky high, its impossible to feel like i will ever get anyone on par with my expectations.

Watching them fight scares me, fighting text, screaming mornings and even heart to heart talks about running away makes me want to crawl and hide. I dont know what to do and i dont know what to say. I wish i could comfort both of you and be brave at the same time. I try not to show that i care so that you guys wouldnt feel too guilty about any decisions made but hey, i need you both even if i dont show it.

Theres this everlasting knot in my throat that makes me want to give up and cry. I dont know what to do and you not standing up for me doesnt help at all...