Had a bad cry. Now im okay.

I'm not sure how it started but, I've been finding comfort in cooking small meals for my mum and I during the weekends. There's a certain small joy found from indulging in homemade desserts and conversations over tea. I just thought I should share such joy with you.

I've been questioning myself on the direction where pixieinspace is heading and truth be told, I have no idea what it is. It started out to be a platform for me to try to get a little more in-tune to the local fashion scene by posting daily outfits and trying (a little too hard) to be noticed. As time passed, I realised that I don't crave that sort of attention and neither am I one to lie about the things I like. I'm honest to a fault and perhaps that means I can't write about fashion the way others would like me to and so I have removed those opinion from the site. That doesn't mean I don't have an opinion nor have my passion faded.

I've tried too hard in the past to fit into categories and labels, so that I don't feel different from the cliques that I so badly wanted to 'bond' with. So I tried straightening my hair, speak with a different slang and tried all these other ridiculous things so that I could be one of them. I lost my identity while trying to be somebody else, hoping that no one would realise. Eventually instead of fitting in, I faded into the background. I was not spoken to and my words were unheard. So what if I was upset; it didn't bother them.

Eventually I gave up trying. I said the things I wanted to, chopped off most of my hair and I loved it. They were in disbelief, said the nastiest things but by then I was way past caring. Of course I felt a little lost, who was I without them as role models? Having them gave me a direction to cast my next move but leaving them meant that I had to find myself.

And so I did.

I went through various emotions reading through the old archives of pixieinspace. It's strange seeing myself go through different experimentations with my dressing and life experiences. Boy, I went through some really really weird phases. I felt embarrassed by some and a little confused with others but that's what it's supposed to be isn't it? This is my growing process and it hasn't come to an end!

Well, it shouldn't.

I often remind my friends to just keep doing what they like because things will eventually come after and I guess I shouldn't forget to remind myself too. I'm not even sure why I'm telling you all these, maybe I just felt like you needed an explanation for this terribly run blog. Maybe you'll see food post, architecture and all sorts of random nonsense on this site over the next few weeks, maybe you'll not. I don't know. We'll see.

Comfortable but never boring. 

I hate what a relationship does to me. Dont get me wrong. Im absolutely heads over heels about you. Things just feels so bloody amazing around you and ive got all this little bubbly feeling in me whenever im with you and that kid, that kid in me i never knew about! You got me smiling till my cheeks hurt because im really that happy. Those goodbye hugs and me for the first time ever whispering and hoping that you didnt have to go home. Man i do love you so much. But it sucks that with that comes the little scary feelings of lost, that maybe one day this will not belong to me again. And so i try to treat you better than anyone i ever have. With that i worry about stiffling you, about you feeling too withstraint. I could never fly a kite. So will you teach me?

i love you, but sometimes im just so fucking scared.

How could i love you less now that i know you more. We aint going backwards no more.